It’s almost impossible to like everyone you meet at work. There is always the risk that, for various reasons, you may feel uncomfortable with some people. But different from your private life, at work, you don’t have a choice whom you want to see. You can’t escape because work discipline forces you to cooperate. This can lead to stressful situations, especially if the issue becomes emotional.
In the worst case, your feelings of dislike can become so strong that they will negatively affect your performance at work and even your private well-being. Your normally positive energy may be wasted on a “sideshow” neglecting the tasks given to you at work or even transform into negative energy, for instance, frustration, disinterest, cynicism, and “internal emigration”. This will make you feel unhappy.
There seem to be only two options for improving the situation: (1) You can seek for a direct dialogue with the person in question and confront him/her with the situation looking for an amicable solution. (2) You can ask others for advice, including disclosing your concerns to your superior.
In a personal dialogue, you’ll need to convince the “toxic co-worker” that his/her behavior (whether intentionally or unintentionally) is negatively affecting your, and may be even the whole team’s performance at work. This dialogue must be held in a calm atmosphere free from accusations, projections, and pre-judgements. It must become clear to the other person, that this discussion was not sought for personal (emotional) reasons or for your own comfort’s sake but with the goal to improve the situation at the workplace which is in the interest of the organization you are working for. If you follow this advice, you may even find out that the “toxic co-worker” isn’t even aware of the negative influence he/she has on your and other people’s motivation.
The same principles apply, if you decide for the second option and involve other colleagues or your supervisor. Avoid the perception that you are doing it for personal reasons but out of concern for the higher good, i.e., the company’s optimal functioning.
In case you have tried the two options unsuccessfully and still feel miserable about the person in question, then you must prevent yourself from becoming the loser in this situation. This could happen if you find that your thoughts keep going on and on about this person and the damage that he/she is causing and no solution is apparent. In this situation, you must be determined to make peace with yourself and avoid to provide the toxic co-worker with the power to hijack or sabotage your mind.
“If the burden on your shoulders feels heavy, put it down”
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It is important for your happiness to understand that the more you are at peace with yourself and the more relaxed you are about the situation, the less influence the toxic co-worker will have on you. Make it an issue of your personal pride, neither to enable, nor to tolerate the toxic co-worker’s attempts to hijack your mind. Try not to be angry at the toxic co-worker and his/her behavior, but at yourself. Finally, it is you and your permissive attitude that has allowed the toxic co-worker to occupy a part of your mind. Once you have “turned the sails,” your journey towards autonomy and peace of mind has started.
Having this in mind, an appropriate option for making a step forward into the right direction is to react in a “cool” way. This requires you to analyze your situation from the standpoint of a neutral, non-partisan observer and strip yourself from all emotions, such as anger, frustration, and fury. You will soon feel that the situation and the person you are complaining about will less and less affect you. Your “cool” analysis will help you to get detached from the problem and enable you “to let go”.
Your challenge is no longer to find a solution but to make the choice “to carry the weight” (of the toxic co-workers’ influence) or “to lay it down”, i.e., to ignore it. One option is to forgive the person in question for whatever the/she did to upset you. “Laying it down” in the form of “forgiving” is a generous act and needs some will-power and determination. But the prize you’ll win by doing this will be tremendous as your decision will liberate you from an obstacle to your happiness at work.
Excerpts from the book “HAPPYxCOOL: Happiness in Relationships and at Work” by Rudolf Beger and Sara Wong, Penguin, 2021 avilable on Amazon
© EIPOP-drawing Rudolf Beger.
